Friday, February 25, 2005

DeDiCaTeD To AtE & AbUcHiNgChInG......How can i thank you :))

How canI thank you
For all you have done????
being your sister has been so much fun! You're also my friend ......Someone on whom I can always depend. You lend an ear when I need you and when times are tough you pull me through.You give your all....You pick me up when I take a fall.
Memories that I carry within (for good and bad times..esp ATE so taray when we were kids heheheeh) Blood's thicker than water, we're more than just kin.....
If I had to choose From all of the rest My sisters, my friend, you are the best!

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Mr. ERAP ng BuHaY kO........

He was a true and honest man.... The kind that always let you know Where he stood without making demands .
I learned that honor and integrity. Still had a place in the world we live. His quiet intelligence and strong shoulders were always available when needed.
He taught me that fighting for what I believe in can be difficult and frustrating But in the end, the results are worth it.
He taught me never to give up and have faith in god....But he also taught me sometimes You need to walk away with your head held high.
I loved this man for he is my father. No other could take his place in my heart. He is the only DADDY ERAP I ever have.

Right NoW, Right HeRe........

The voices in my head have gotta go,They're speaking in words and tongues that
I do not know,They cackle when I fail, and force me to heights, That I believe are tales, But once I'm there it all becomes clear that they're always with me right now, right here They believe I can do it they pick me up when I fall and they'll always be there for me when I call.
They are my parents.

MY PatriciaTIC Mom!

MOM YOU'RE ALWAYS THERE THROUGH THE GOOD AND THE BAD THROUGH THE HAPPY AND THE SAD ......WITHOUT YOU THERE IS NO OTHER..... YOU ARE A PERFECT MOTHER !!!!! (makulit nga lang minsan heheheh)
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS COULD SAY..... MOST OF THE TIMES YOU HELP ME CONQUER THE DAY .

WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 33 YEARS PLENTY OF LAUGHTER, JOY AND TEARS
YOU RAISE ME TO BE STRONG, CARING AND TRUE... THANKS SO MUCH MOM, I OWE IT ALL TO YOU .

I WILL LOVE YOU UNTIL THE END OF TIME .
YOU TAUGHT ME ALL THE THINGS I NEEDED TO KNOW THESE THINGS WILLS STAY WITH ME, NO MATTER WHERE I MAY GO .
I CAN CALL YOU ANYTIME DAY OR NIGHT AND NEVER HAVE TO WORRY IF THE TIMING IS RIGHT.
SO THANKS FOR ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS THAT YOU'VE DONE, PLEASE REALIZE THAT YOU ARE A VERY SPECIAL MOM....


A VERY PATRICIATIC MOM TO US!!!!

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

GET UP AND START A NEW LIFE WITH HOPE AND FAITH!!!

My life is a fault at last, I fear:
It seems too much like a fate, indeed!
Though I do my best I shall scarce succeed.
But what if I fail of my purpose here? It is but to keep the nerves at strain,
To dry one's eyes and laugh at a fall,And baffled, get up to begin again,—
So the chase takes up one's life, that's all.
While, look but once from your farthest bound,
At me so deep in the dust and dark,
No sooner the old hope drops to groundThan a new one,
straight to the selfsame mark,I shape me— (GET UP AND START A NEW LIFE WITH HOPE AND FAITH!)

Sunday, February 20, 2005

distraction? or just jealous???



Their eyes showing lots of hate. They made me feel as if I didn't belong.
What did I do to make them irate?
Was it because I'm not one of the crowd?
Something inside of me started to flare...
Somehow they knew that I didn't feel proud,
They somehow knew that I was scared
Why are they being so mean?
I know I did no harm.To me all of this seems a little obscene...
All because I didn't have their charm
Now they are whispering behind my back!
with not a bit of satisfaction!!!
There must have been something I lacked...
I soon became the object of distraction....
or is it because they have nothing to do with their lives and they want to destroy me....???????
people are so cruel......

Friday, February 04, 2005

Just for Today.....mission accomplished! RFR....

Just for today,decide to be happy,to live with what is mine......
If you can't have what you like,maybe i like what you have.

Just for today, i will try to live through this one day only and not tackle all my problems at once. i can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if i had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today,i will have a quiet half-hour all by myself

Just for today ,be unafraid ....happiness comes from the contentment gained by living life one day at a time.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

kiss of my angel......

I have been kiss by three angels,but there is one in particular i would like to tell you about. she was three years old then wears a ponytail on the top of her head (she likes angelica of rugrats), and she is usually full of so much joy can't help but smile when you're around her.
Can life get any better than this? I truly can't imagine what my world would be like without this heavenly gift. Sure, she is frustrating at times, like the time when she hit her big brother beause he had something she wanted. Yet i believe God knew exactly what he was doing when he placed my daughter in my life. He knew i needed something diff'rent after giving me two good looking sons. my daughter put the "bounce" into our predictable days. My life would not be complete without her.
A year ago (2003),my sister went on vacation to visit us and brought me something that my kids made in school. it was a heart shape with my daughters hand print (she was 6 years old when she made this hand print). I remember thinking how her hand would not be this size for long, so i was thrilled to receive a permanent reminder of it.

You see, this small hand also holds my heart. it has such a grip on me at times that it hurts, but it is a pain i pray will never go away. it is a grip of love that lasts a lifetime. but my daughter will not be little girl forever.

its been 4 years now since a send my kids back to united states. coz i knew that they will have a better future there. as a single mom i knew whats best for my kids. need a lot of sacrifices for the sake of my kids future. but it is not the end of it all..WE'LL BE TOGETHER AGAIN and be kiss by my angels....

So as the days go by and my little girl grows, i will continue to thank god for sending her to me and for giving me the cherished memories of sunshine smiles and angel kisses.

to my 3 children..i may not give you an i deal family like your friends have. but count on me kids,i'll be the coolest mom and a dad for you guys. lets keep on praying that we will be together again soon....i love you!

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

dark past...trying to survive and move on.......FREE at last.....

Between sobs, for the first time after so many years of covering up, self-denials, trying to keep a family that I thought I have, thank god, we are now free and I can now talk and share my trials and struggles in life.

In the years before I was battered, our relationship was fulfilled with love and care.
He was nice to my eldest son who was only 4 years old at the time we had met. Everything went smoothly. Until we decided to moved in a modest home seems like everything was perfect...The life that I longing for as one happy family. I gave birth to a new baby boy and thought everything will be much happier.
As time, days went by, I felt that suddenly had changed….he became a monster to us!
My first impression was “oh maybe he’s tired” “maybe he’s stress” many things running thru my mind that searching for an answer.
I heard a noise sounds like a dribble of a ball but no one is playing until I saw my eldest son’s shoulder with a bluish color…that was the first time he put his hand to my son. What I remember was I asked him why he did that and he did not say a word. Moreover, I did not say a word either.
One day we were about to do some errands and we have to bring our kids with us, so we went to the car and left him with my second son...while he was walking carrying my second son in a car sit I heard a cry…my son is crying he got hurt because he just throw the car sit inside the car without thinking that our son might get hurt or something. Still, I ididnt say a word just like nothing happened. I comforted my two kids to let them feel that its okay mama is here.
At that time, I am so blind of being in love with him. They were hurting so bad that I did not even notice it. All I knew is imp complete. However, we are not married but I consider myself as complete coz I have a partner and kiddos.
Everyday seems no end. Everyday there is shout, cry, sobbing, fears, and worriness, hurt, physically and emotionally.
I talked to his mom and asked her if his son have any history of abused when he was a child. I am goddamn rite. He came from a family with an abusive father. In addition, what he was doing to our kids was the same as he was doing him by his father.
I packed our things and ran away with my kids. I really have no idea where to go so I decided to comeback and live with him again. All the sweet talks and hugs for my kids is what he gave back to us. He said that he will change for the better and will not do it again.
Nevertheless, I was wrong; he did it repeatedly. Every time he put his hand to my two kids, I got a fist from him too. All I said was there is no way out.
He pushes me to stop working, he just wants me to stay home and wait until he gets back from his work. My kids and I were miserable. We could not go out walk in the park without his permission. Still love is blind.
Year 1996, I gave birth. A healthy baby girl, I was so happy and yet I was so scared that he might hurt my daughter too. God, he never did and thank god...
1998, repeatedly I feel like there is a basketball dribbling inside our house. Never a day that I can take a nap coz i've got to take care of my kiddos…and there are nights that I couldn’t sleep coz he don’t want me to take a sleep.
Year 2000 went back to Philippines. He got worst than ever. I was so helpless, it came to a point that my two sons and me was beat up at the same time. Just because my son stepped on a dry leaves outside.
I kept pretending that there is nothing wrong with my family that I kept it for years not saying anything. Whenever I planned to run away with my kiddos, my mind kept telling me “no don’t do it. You have a house, he powerful, you cannot get away from him, he can find you wherever you go”. I was so scared and helpless.
I kept asking myself “what you going to do now selle?” And I will answer, “I dunno”.

Dinnertime, food is ready. I called my eldest son and my second son to go downstairs so we can have dinner. My son asked me a simple question “what’s for dinner mom?” then all of a sudden, there he goes again he asked my son to kneel down and will not let my son have his dinner with us. So I get so frustrated telling him to let our son have dinner coz it is already past 7:00 pm...However, he never listened. He shouted on my face in front of my kiddos again, and took the chair and trying to throw it to me. I heard my daughter screaming badly, crying and shouted back at him.

I decided to run away that night with my kiddos and leave him all alone by himself.
I did not have money, jewelries, and those material things with me when we ran away.
What matter most was I HAVE MY CHILDREN LIFE, MY LIFE FREE FROM ABUSIVE FATHER AND PARTNER.

It has been almost 5 years now since we ran away. And I can say that we are now free…
For the sake of my kiddos, I can do it. FREE AT LAST.

We have only one life to live and live life to the fullest.

By sharing my story with you people, I hope that, it will give a lesson in every relationship.
This happen to me with reason and I believe that god let me go thru with this kind of struggles in life to open up and be the way of light to other abused domestic partner like me.

I still believe that there are better future ahead of my kids and me. Moreover, when it comes to loving someone again well, it will come. Only gods knows and lead the way to guide me to the rite path.